The Surging Sea of Chronic Illness

By Carol DeForest Shinde

“But let him ask in faith without doubting. For the doubter is like the surging sea, driven and tossed by the wind.”
~James 1:6~

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There are so many illustrations that come to my mind when I think of how my illnesses affect me. At one time I used to think I was the only one who was experiencing the continual physical and mental anguish of my illness. I would find myself struggling to keep my head above water, even spiritually. During my darkest times I felt as if I were alone and would be swallowed up whole by all of my senses. It was overwhelming. It is still overwhelming at times.

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I used to wonder if my turmoil would ever end. It was frustrating and I felt so alone. I remember one specific time when I was so lonely and angry. I had been in a Bible study group and I ended up having to quit. When I quit and wasn’t able to attend church, I no longer could see my friends. I was out of sight and out of mind. It hurt so deeply. These were individuals I held close to my heart and thought were my best friends. At the time, I was so caught up within my own misery that I couldn’t see my life being meaningless to other people. Of course, that was just how I perceived it because I was alone and miserable and grieving the loss of all I once took for granted.

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I took my health for granted until I got sick. I was oblivious to just how blessed I was to have those moments of amusement parks and hikes. I was spoiled beyond belief. It took me many years to understand my life matters to God and it mattered to my friends. However, my friends were caught in their own lives and their own turmoil. I didn’t see that. I couldn’t see that because I was so needy of my brothers and sisters in Christ.

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I was unreasonable in my terms. I was expecting them to fulfill all the needs that only Jesus Christ can fill. I saw their lack as an example to God’s lacking in my life. I thought God failed me. I didn’t see this experience as a blessing at the time. It was one of the darkest times I had been through. I’ve been through probably about five major dark times that impacted my life.

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It was during this time, I began to read my Bible more and pray often. My prayers were full of tears and pleading. Many a night I literally imagined myself laying my head upon the lap of Jesus as I sobbed helplessly into my pillow. I would imagine His hand stroking my head as I cried myself to sleep. I found comfort in this visual. I knew I wasn’t alone.

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The Lord began to renew my heart and mend the brokenness. This didn’t happen overnight. It took many years for the Lord to change my outlook on things. I started looking for ways I could minister to others since my needs weren’t being met. I stopped focusing on myself so much and started focusing on God and my personal relationship with Him.

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I started experiencing the gentle hand of the Father coaxing me to encourage others. My encouragement and hope was now coming from the Lord and I wanted to share that encouragement with others. I didn’t have all the answers and I still don’t. However, I do know one thing. No one on this earth will ever bring peace to the wounded soul. The only one who can do this is Jesus Christ.

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Jesus understands everything we go through. He faced it head on when He was nailed to that cross. He experienced misunderstanding, segregation, prejudice, judgment, and even physical pain. He experienced death for us. Nothing can compare to Jesus or His sacrifice.

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I am not always happy with my situation but I am forever joyful because of the hope I have in Christ. Life will never be easy. Anyone who tells you it will be is not telling the truth. The truth is there are many sorrows. However, we can hope in the Lord. He will one day return and we will be free of all illness and pain. This storm of life will cease to churn. The rolling of the waves will become still. We won’t be tossed or thrown about anymore. Our faith will be made whole.

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Carol Shinde is a single mother to her 8-year-old son and will be getting married very soon to a wonderful man who understands the ups and downs of chronic illness. Although Carol has a number of health issues, including dysautonomia, she refuses to let them have her. . Carol has been featured on www.OptimalHealthSeekers.com radio and you can listen to her interview here: Carol Shinde: Spirit of the Pheonix. Writing since she was a teenager, Carol started blogging about 5 years ago. Having an affinity to singing, music has been a major part of her life since she was 2-years-old and continues to play an important role to this day.   God is ABSOLUTELY her strength and her song. Hear her sing here.